Discipline with Dignity

Rabbi Michael Myers

Bible and Modern Jewish History. Smicha from Hebrew Theological College and B.A., Loyola University. M.A. in Educational Administration in 1979, University of Illinois. In 1984, he was awarded a Kohl International Fellowship. In 1986, Rabbi Myers was selected as a Jerusalem Fellow.

Teachers should consider the developmental level of their students before they decide what to teach, how to teach and how to discipline their students. As Rabbi Wolbe, zt’l said, “If we foster only the child’s organic capacity to grow and mature without the structure of learning and discipline, we create a “Pere-Adam”, a wild undisciplined human. If we focus only on the cognitive structure of his education, we create a robot. The synthesis of the two, of natural development and cognitive structure, is ‘Chinuch’.”

Students are like involuntary servants, in that they must go to school, they must learn and they must perform. In that it is involuntary, it is human nature to rebel, especially when disciplined. The answer to this rebellion is relationship and love. Teachers should discipline, but they should discipline with love. 

There is no Tochacha without love; and no love without Tochacha

A teacher should feel love for every student. The overriding principal here is that we are teaching neshamas.  To fortify teachers with the ability to teach and discipline with love and maintain both student’s and teachers’ dignities, teachers need an arsenal of ma’amarim from Chazal. When teachers are confronted with a situation, these ma’amarim can serve as spiritual “pop-ups” to remind them of their mission.

Spiritual “Pop-ups”

1.  ישראל."  (דברים רבה)אמר הקב"ה: יוכיחם משה שאוהבם, ויברכם בלעם ששונאם, כדי שיתבברו הברכות והתוכחות ביד 

We find in the Midrash on the Chumash that Hashem said, “Let Moshe, who loves them, criticize them.” Love is the most important component to Tochacha. A teacher needs to love each of his/her students. We should have in mind that we must love the students before we can criticize them.

2. (בראשית א:כז)  "בצלם אלקים ברא אותו" 

Before we discipline, we should remember that we are talking to a Tzelem Elokim, a person made in G-d’s image.

3. (אבות ג:יד)   "חביב אדם שנברא בצלם" 

Even when the student is acting particularly chutzpedic and you don’t “see” the kedusha, you should remember that he is still a “shadow” of Hashem. We know this because Tzelem, which means image, is related to the word tzail, which means shadow.  Therefore a teacher should treat the student with love and respect.

4. (ויקרא יט:יז)  "…הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך—ולא תשא עליו חטא" 

Tochacha is a mitzvah, but it needs to be done right, and with love.

5. (בראשית א:כז)  "…ואהבת לרעך כמוך" 

The first thing we, as teachers, should do, is establish relationships with each of our students. Rules without relationships lead to rebellion. With relationships, so much can be accomplished. These relationships start with a foundation of our respect and love for the student.

6. (ויקרא כה:יד)  "אל תונו איש את אחיו" 

Students learn from “how” we discipline as much as from the content material we disseminate. We should remember we are role modeling. They will then learn from us. We should remember that we must not cause pain.  Remember, also, that teachers shouldn’t think they know their students beyond the tiny sliver of time that you are in the same room. You see only a sliver of each student’s life. Teachers don’t see all the responsibilities at home or other things going on in their students’ lives.

7. (משלי טז:ד)  "אל תען כסיל כאולתו, פן תשוה לו גם אתה" 

Teachers should NEVER engage in sarcasm or arguments with the students, or they become students’ “equals”.

8. (משלי טז:ד)  "אל תען כסיל כאולתו, פן תשוה לו גם אתה" 

 "טוב ארך אפיים מגבור ומושל ברוחו מלוכד עיר"   (משלי טז:לב)

Teachers should rarely show anger. Even on the very rare occasions a teacher will display anger, (s)he should do so in a very controlled way. Teachers should never lose control and become subservient to their anger. It’s important for teachers not to be a tyrant or a beggar, but rather to ask students, “How do you think I feel?” when students misbehave.

9. (משלי טו:א)  "מענה רך ישיב חימה"

When teachers feel anger, they should remember to respond with gentle words. This will be an investment for later when teachers may need to show anger. When teachers react calmly in general to students’ misdeeds, then on the rare occasions that teachers show controlled anger, it will have the right impact.

10. (קהלת ג:ז)  "עת לחשות ועת לדבר" 

Sometimes, it is better to be silent, to not respond.  A teacher needs to be able to discern those times.

11. (דברי יהושע בן פרחיה: אבות א:ו)  "והוי דן את כל אדם לכף זכות" 

Teachers should NOT assume the worst of their students. They may have a good reason for being late or bringing in their work late, etc. Teachers need to give students the benefit of the doubt. Of course there may be students who have earned suspicion and a teacher needs to act accordingly, but generally students are good.

12. (דברי שמאי אבות א:טו)  "והוי מקבל את כל אדם בסבר פני יפות" 

Teachers need to greet their students each day with a welcome smile and spirit. This will set the right tone for the class. 

A teacher needs, above all else, patience. Patience is more powerful than a show of strength. If a teacher shows any sign of frustration or impatience, it doesn’t matter what encouraging words are said, that negative nonverbal cue will do its damage. When teachers show control of their emotions and reactions, that is the biggest lesson. It’s important to show the student that you know (s)he knows/does something well and that it is this particular subject or lesson that is difficult for her/him, just as the teacher finds certain subjects difficult. The key here is to see the whole student and not just that subject or lesson. Teachers need to learn about their students, to find their strengths and build upon them. Teachers need to use this knowledge to build relationships with their students.

If teachers succeed in their ability to discipline, they can succeed in teaching anything.

“Long after kids forget facts, they will remember the people who most influenced them. Dealing with discipline gives us many opportunities to really affect a child’s life.”

-Allen N. Mendler

When we are talking about Discipline with Dignity, it is important to remember not to put a student at risk of being shamed. With middle and high school students who change teachers with each subject, it is best to discipline after the class so as not to embarrass the student. This may not work for younger students since a teacher would have to wait too late after the incident.

Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik, z”l, said that there are two elements to chinuch: the Voice of Sinai and the Fire of Sinai. The Voice of Sinai is the actual teaching; the student reads from the sefer and the teacher corrects, etc. The Fire of Sinai is the inner passion that a teacher conveys to perpetuate Torah Values. To succeed with the Fire of Sinai, a teacher must be consistent with their words and actions. There is no room for, “do as I say and not as I do.” The teacher needs to at all times be consistent with his sense of mission as a sheliach, messenger of Hashem. Fire can be constructive as in warmth and light, or it can be destructive as in burning. Like the burning bush, the teacher must always be constructive and not destructive. If the teacher’s fire is based on love, it will be the foundation for positive relationships with students and be construction.

Strategies

• A strategic way to succeed in disciplining with dignity is to get the student involved in the process of disciplining. Encourage them to be a part of the problem-solving. “How can WE solve this problem? These are possible options I have thought of. Do you have options?” This gives students their dignity and more often than not, they end up wanting to please.
• The four most important words are, “What do you think?” It shows them that you acknowledge that they think and that what they think matters to the teacher.
• NEVER have students grade their fellow students’ papers. The possible humiliation and pain this can cause is unconscionable.
• Talk to the parents, not just when the student misbehaves, but also make sure to find occasions to call the parents to tell them the good things their child did. This establishes a positive working partnership.
• On that note, make sure to tell the students what they do right, not just when they do wrong. This shows them that the teacher isn’t just looking at the student in terms of his performance in that subject, but that he is a whole neshama.
• Trust is the most important component in the relationship between teacher and student. The student has to be able to trust that the teacher will not humiliate him. That trust must go both ways. If a student asks for slack, for example, for time to talk to a friend or family member in need, if at all possible to say “yes”, trust them and say “yes”. That trust will strengthen relationship and commitment on both sides.
• To discipline properly, teachers must determine why the student is misbehaving. Only then can they give Tochacha. Find out from the principal and/or student counselor if there is any information they have that can help you with the student. Talk to other teachers and ask them what are they doing that works with this student. At the same time, remember to only talk if it will help. Teachers must never talk to just let off steam. This is Loshon Hora.
• Empathize with your students. Feel their pain so you can understand where they are coming from and why they are behaving the way they are.

Recommended books:

Hebrew –Zeriah u'Binyan beChinnuch , English – Planting and Building: Raising a Jewish Child by Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe,zt’l

How to Achieve Discipline with Dignity in the Classroom, by Allen N. Mendler

© 2016 Walder Education